Valar Morghulis 

I have been thinking about death lately. A lot of the time. 

Whoa, that sounds ominous, so I am going to sugarcoat it some more and say that I have been thinking about mortality. Now that doesn’t sound as chilling, right?

I am prefacing this with a huge disclaimer that I am not suicidal nor do I have suicidal ideations. If you read this and get them, or if you already have them, please reach out to CSRI, and they will be able to help. They are available 24/7. 

Of course, that also serves as a trigger warning, but now that it is out of the way, I can exercise my creative liberties, right?

I was supposed to be in Nyakach today for a friend’s dad’s funeral, but due to budget constraints, I didn’t go. We were classmates in campus and his father was everything to him and it is saddening that he has passed on, may he rest in peace. 

A few weeks ago, one Substacker whose pieces I enjoy reading lost a relative and had to travel to Kisii for the burial. He was gracious enough to document all the things he was going through in detailed blogs, which offered a window into what grief does to people. Here is a link to his publication. 

I watched Frankenstein, and I loved it, and there was this scene where Victor loses his mother, and he vows to conquer death by all means necessary. The monster also “loses” the first person who was kind to it, and it wrecks him. 

Watching Squid Game and Alice in Borderland probably didn’t help the cause.

A book I was reading, Surviving to Drive by Guenther Steiner, has a crew member’s loss after a lengthy battle with cancer.

A close friend of mine lost her grandfather a few months ago, and I still think of her grief sometimes. 

The crux of the matter is I have been coming across death in all its forms on several mediums, and it made me think of my own mortality, hence Valar Morghulis, all men must die.

I would like to think that I am comfortable in my mortality. It has often been perceived that most people tend to think about their lives when they are on their deathbed than when they are alive. This begs the question: if I were on my deathbed, what would I think about? As of this moment, I will be content. I will be content that I have experienced life proportionate to the capacity I can experience life with. I can say that I have travelled. That I have loved. That I have been loved. That I have been inspired and inspired people. That I have been supported and supported people. That I have been kind and shown kindness. That I have been scammed. That I have had Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on my door and I have knocked on other people’s doors spreading the Gospel (not the same but similar things). That I have had rastas and enjoyed them, and also been stereotyped because of them. That I have paid my rent a month or two in advance and barely scraped to get half my rent on time. That I have also squandered rent money. That I have tried most drugs that I can afford. That I have turned down stuff because I could not afford it. That I have splurged on food a week after sleeping hungry. That I have had a cat. Basically, if there is anything in my power to experience, I have experienced it.

Now, in all those experiences, can I say that I will be happy? To an extent, yes, I will. I will be happy for the friendships I have made along the way. For the love I have given and received. For the joy I have brought forth. Will I be sad? Well, duh! I am on my deathbed, of course, I’ll be sad. I will be sad for all the people I will miss and who will miss me. I will be sad for Nyx, her sleeping schedule, and Gracie. I will be sad for all the people who never got a chance to experience me. For all the family gatherings I will miss and all the birthdays. All the freaking birthdays and graduations. I will be extremely sad for my support system. 

I always wondered, how do people get so loved by the masses? How do people have really strong support systems? How does one even get a support system? Well, I didn’t get the answer then, but I got my answer recently. It is all in showing up. I made it my goal this year to show up for people, and I can say that so far, I have knocked that out of the park. I showed up to graduations, interviews, parties, prayers, hospitals, and pickup points at some weird hours. I didn’t care when or where because I valued them enough to create time and prioritize them consistently. What saddens me about my passing is that I will no longer show up to and for them, and that wouldn’t be fair at all, would it?

I will also be sad because I will eventually stop being someone’s favourite person. I know that I am someone’s favourite cousin already, and someone’s favourite human being, someone’s favourite designer, someone’s favourite writer, someone’s favourite chef, someone’s favourite coworker, someone’s favourite relative, someone’s favourite grandson, a bunch of people’s favourite DJ, someone’s favourite friend, and someone’s favourite hater. I am jealous that all these positions will move on to new people, and that irks me. I am also sad for the “someone” because for everything that I have done to occupy that space, they will have to start from scratch, and it is a lot of work that I put in to get there, so, you know, it will be exhausting! FYI, if it wasn’t or isn’t clear, for you to be my favourite anything, just know in that category you’ll be competing with Nyx, and the votes are already rigged in her favour.

All this is not to say that I am not drawn to the allure of peace that death brings. In death, I don’t have to worry about money. I like worrying about deadlines because of the adrenaline rush, so I won’t add that to the list. I have been trying to see what I worry about, but right now, if I remove money out of the equation, I don’t have anything to worry about. Maybe I can worry about global warming because Nyx is a star, and it is not good to have two stars in the solar system. I like thinking that the afterlife is peaceful and that I’ll never think of death, but what if people in the afterlife think about life? Because they have experienced death, now all they can think of is life? Same WhatsApp group with the people who say “money is not the answer to everything!” Well, Maina, you can afford to say that because you have the aforementioned money! To me, money is the answer to damn near everything. If I had been paid, do you think I would have missed supporting my friend today? Gerrara here, mahn!

However, I have had a change in perspective. While I had previously been “okay” with dying in that I won’t chase death, but if it finds me, I would have been like, “You know what? Fair enough.” I am no longer of that train of thought. If you ask me today why I wouldn’t want to die, my answer would be simple — my death would make a lot of people sad, and sad in reverse is das and das not good. As of this moment, I have considerably more to live for than when that thought was appealing to me. I have to live for Nyx. I have to live for Gracie. I have to live for my cousins. I have to live for my friends. I have to live for my relatives. I have to live for the film industry. I have to live for my creativity. I have to live for you, my dear reader.

So until I die, I am going to live; for myself, and for everyone else. After all, Valar Dohaeris, all men must serve, and I can’t serve when I am dead. In case I die prematurely, I already have a playlist I demand to be played at my funeral; I will abhor moments of silence, but would greatly appreciate moments of dancing because that playlist has certified bangers that I enjoyed when I was alive. 

From Me To You

Who doesn’t come to terms with their own mortality? I wrote this because I lacked closure for my canon event that I am not willing to revisit at the moment, and also, I have not been paid for a whole quarter! So, I am officially looking for a new job.

Anywhoo, to the December babies, I hope your employer always pays you on time and your worth. I hope all your invoices get cleared beforehand, and you enjoy the fruits of your labour more than labouring itself. 

I have started publishing on Substack and Medium, and I’ve noticed that I have an extensive catalogue of writing, which is only possible because of you. 

If this blog has been depressing, you can read my not-so-depressing story where I was challenged to draw myself by my cousin. 

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