Seriously, I’m NOT Kidding.

Nyx, one of my best readers, will bawl out laughing when she reads this. I could explain all the lore behind our inside joke, but this is the joke in itself, and I swear, it is purely coincidental. I can’t make this up, because seriously, I am not kidding. Now, I skimmed through the post in question, and this is one of those moments I have done a full 180, and I don’t want any kids within 50 meters of me, apart from Sundays, that is.

I used to love kids, and the idea of kids, and now I love kids I can return to their parents after a few hours: seriously, I’m not kidding. Malia? I am yet to meet her but definitely. Nawiri? He’s a hoot. Jabali? He is fun to hang around. Shiro? She is one of the few kids I can hang around with the entire day, provided her deputy parent is close by, because, once again, I do not like kids for prolonged periods of time. I mean, there is a finite amount of energy I have for kids and you can feed them sweets for so long before their sugar rush kicks in (FYI, “Sugar Rush” is not a real thing but its something the populace believes is, so it is a handy excuse when you don’t want to give children your mentos).

Can you argue with a kid about how Arsenal are Next Season FC? I don’t think so. Will they go down a rabbit hole of whether Noah’s Ark existed with you at 3 am on a Tuesday? No, they cannot because they have to sleep early to go to school on Wednesdays! What a bunch of losers.

Anyway, you might think that I am ranting just because, but on the contrary, I do now like kids because I can create one, and I do not want to create one when I complain weekly about thinking of paying my next month’s rent on time. I believe that having a kid cements the fact that I am an adult, and I do not want to be a struggling father. I am fine being the fun uncle who buys you Oreos on walks. 

Hold up. I don’t think you actually understand what having a child means. I have a cat, and in no way am I equating having a cat to having a child, but Gracie (he is a teenager now) makes me waaayyyy nervous than I want to. He gets into fights with the neighbourhood cats (he always wins against a black and white eight-to-nine-month-old cat but always loses against a three-year-old ginger cat). Nowadays, whenever I hear cats calling at night, I freak out because what if that’ll be the day Gracie loses against that ginger and falls from the second floor? Not to be extreme, but I actually have to think about buying a place in a cemetery, if Nairobi has a cemetery.

I have to think of feeding an extra mouth, too. It means that I can fast involuntarily, but he can’t. I have to clean up a lot of shit, literally! I have looked for “vets near me” more times than I can count because one day he convulsed for ten seconds at 2 am. I could go on and on, but if that’s all the stress I get from having a cat, I can’t quite imagine what actual parents go through every day. I am sure they spend a huge chunk of their lives thinking about their children, and as for me, I’d rather spend this time thinking about ways to make you read more of my stories than have induced high blood pressure. 

Plus, let me be captain obvious, but kids are expensive af. And in this wantam economy, I am too broke to worry about school fees.

Anywhoo, that was not the full story. Let’s get to the full story, back when seriously, I was kidding.

For context, I was a first-year student in campus and commuting daily. Oh, yeah, I was living with my aunt and my cousin, so yeah, I knew a lot about kids. 

Babies are still adorable, and they always will, but they better not be mine anytime soon. I still have Baby Shark on replay and even played it on a mini-road trip on one of the many Sundays I was in charge of the aux. I still love Masha and the Bear and have Boomerang as my background noise whenever I am working for long hours.

My advice is pretty solid, but I could say so because most of my bills were still being paid for, and I was somehow free. It was still fun writing that, and if you have not read it and somehow skipped it, go back and read it, but seriously, I’m kidding. If you are a new parent, that blog will be invaluable to you.

I still enjoy Godzilla, Minions, and Hotel Transylvania — funny enough, they all have new movies since I wrote that piece over 5 years ago. Burna Boy has new music coming, Wizkid and Davido both released new music, but I am all about play KE music all day, every day! Fire after fire after fire songs. Kenyan beats to the wooorrrlllldddd!!!

From Me to You

I feel like at this point, we all know whether I am forcefully saving or not, and I kid you not, I have been paid exactly twice this year, and the last time I was paid, I paid rent for a month in advance. While in hindsight I really applaud myself for doing that, I was broke for ⅓ of the last 30 days. Do the math. No, really, do the math. The bright side of that was I now am wary of every cent coming in and going out of my Mpesa, and I do that using Money Manager, and from its calculations, my net worth is around -$70. Yes, you guessed that right. I haven’t been paid yet (I was to be paid FIVE days ago!).

Many May babies have received gifts, though, and as this month continues, May the 20th be with you, and your team win a trophy this month because apparently every team is getting one – Newcastle, Crystal Palace, and even Bologna!

If you want a more funny story, read my last blog about a composition I wrote on a whim about what happened in a school behind the scenes: a curriculum. Finally, I am on my knees, literally, begging you to subscribe, please. *sniff* *sniff*